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Iman's Diary

Iman’s Therapy (February 23rd 2016)

Today Tajul Iman is given an opportunity by his teachers to enjoy the horse riding. They said it’s a good therapy for a hyperactive student like him. So today the whole team of special education children and teachers of  Sekolah Menengah Sura, Dungun is spending their time at Terengganu Equestarian Resort in Kuala Terengganu 



People had been talking about autism awareness among the public. To me it’s such a great challenge to create awareness among the bigger group of people when there is still lack of awareness among the smaller group : the family members of Autistic children. Tajul Iman is celebrating his 13 years old birthday this coming June: 15/6/2016. Until now I do have problems dealing with my family members, even with my own siblings.

I remembered my friend Sufian said, when Muhammad (his Autistic son) was young, he used to give a cash reward to Muhammad’s cousins, for them to play with him. To the extend, but he claimed  ”ÏT WORKS THAT WAY”. For Tajul Iman, I haven’t implement the same strategy. I might have to consider doing it someday. Like this week, we’re here in Negeri Sembilan, my home town. My niece and nephew called me a few times when I was in Dungun, insisting for me to come back to NS during the school holiday. But when we’re already here, things even get worst when I found difficulties in handling those kids when they often tried to hurt my son. Iman used to tease other kids, playing with their hair (for his sensory problem), destroying their toys, etc. They expressed their anger by punching him, kicking him and do things that might hurt my son. Worries me a lot, that I got to monitor my boy almost all the time!

I know and understand that they’re still small kids, we adults got to educate them, but it really hurts me a lot when my own sister used to be so suspicious about my son, on his interaction with his own cousins. My sister always tried to make a distance between her kids and Tajul Iman. Yesterday she didn’t turn up to work as my family is still here at my mom’s place. Being so protective to her own kids.  

This might be a trivial matter to those people outside there, but to me, it really hurts me a lot when I still can’t make the family members able to adapt with our family, with our two autistic children. Irfan is doing ok since he is still a mild Autism, but Tajul Iman, my severe one seems to create such a chaotic life to other people around him.

Every single day when we’re here, is such a great challenge for me to make every family members to cope well with Tajul  Iman.  Yesterday my dad was so angry and he spanked my boy for pulling out the door locked. Also when Tajul Iman kicked his door until it was broken. Three days in my hometown and my son had make every people’s life crazy!!!! Enough enough enough, I got to back to Dungun ASAP.

Iman's cherish Moments At Autism Lab UKM (10/02/2016)

I realized the importance of a proper education and early intervention program for Autism children. Iman was enjoying himself at Autism Lab UKM until we got to say Goodbye to UKM teaching team in July2012. Read more......


I came back to Dungun in August 2013.  Coming back with no Phd makes me more inferior.  Some of my friends had completed their studies. Coming back with the Dr in front of their names.  The worst part is when my ex student, Hairi Jalis also had come back with a Phd. As a mom and being a caregiver for a two special boys with Autism and ADHD, I told myself  that I am a HERO! I’ll take this as a challenge, making me feels better , walking my day to day life  with these two boys. My son, Iman turn to be more aggressive at the age of 13. I can’t simply spank him as he’s growing bigger now. I’m afraid of the risk, what if he fights back?

I was call by the Rector, my boss just can’t take it when I can’t achieve  the organizational KPI’s: I turn up late to the class, submitting late result for the final exam papers, applying so many emergency leaves, turning up late for the meeting and so on. I was seen as a black sheep in this organization now.  I can’t join the other staffs for lunch, parties, celebrations or even attending the family day and attending conferences away from Terengganu. I don’t dare to leave my boy with my husband....READ MORE 

To all my followers and blog visitors,

Here I post to you my everyday lives with Muhammad Tajul Iman. I post all this diary to share my hard times with him, not to grumble about his behaviors, but just to let you know that you were not alone to experience the same journey in your lives as a caregiver of  Autistic Children. Some people might think I'm telling the whole world about my problems, please don't get me wrong...Tajul Iman is  no more a problem to me now. It's just a challenge for me to carry a challenging task from my God, for me to get myself closer to Him. I'm holding His mandate to be the best mother and a caregiver. All I want is to seek for His Redha...

Iman is going to celebrate his 10 th birthday this year. From the day he was diagnosed, until today, he makes me a better person, but still as a mother, I'm still a human being, there are tears throughout my daily lives. He's yet to show an impressive progress, still with a series of  tantrums, which affects our family lives.  I'm still giving my best effort to treat him, using all those methods which I think might work on him. Hope someday I will be able to post a phrase "THANK YOU GOD!, after all my gloomy days in life TODAY IMAN IS BACK TO A NORMAL PERSON." I believe, there's always a room for a miracle to happen if My God say YES...IMAN will be growing up as a normal, handsome, brilliant guy that will open those eyes .....and he himself will be able to say this to those people around him  "I'M ALSO A HUMAN BEING THAT NEEDS TO BE GIVEN A RIGHT AND RESPECT! I never beg for your sympathy, but just a small room in your heart! A room of understanding, empathy and care!  Till then, please! please! please! drop by to our small blog and support us throughout our challenging days...........

Thursday Nov 30th - My major constraints every morning at work 

8.00 am to 10.00 am everyday in workdays is such a hard time to me. Early morning I got to struggle all the way from home to make sure he's on time for school. Always, until now, my son still got problem for his night sleep. Until now he used to play until 5 or 6 am, almost every night. He's 11 now. Big enough to on the stove himself. I remembered when I was sleeping/just a nap around 3 am one day, as I was so tired in the midst of the night, I smell something burnt in the kitchen. He was playing with the fire, He put some newspapers on top of the stove. Then he put some crackers in the cooking oil and started to burn some papers. That night I had  some burns, I cried! That's why, I don't dare to sleep, never in my life I hope, to sleep when he is still playing. Only God knows how pain it is for not being able to sleep at night, and with no choice, I got to enter the class at 10 am after sending my boy to school!

Again  8.00 am to 10.00 am is such a hard time for me. As a lecturer I got to reach my class at 10.00 am as I used to have class from 10.15 and above. As a lecturer,  I had requested from my boss to give me class 10.00 am above. I don't mind to have night class as my husband had already at home during that time. He works in Kuala Terengganu and used to come back around 7 pm everyday.

I admit that once a while, I might be late to the class. Like last week, I came in 20 min late. After each meal nowadays, Iman used to vomit and that day when I was rushing to his school, he vomited on my back, making my clothes all wet. I got to go home and change my clothes. Pulling his hands into the car and giving him breakfast before entering the school gate is not easy for me. It is such a big challenge. There were many people at the restaurants one morning when he go naked! Last 2 weeks, he threw his tantrums, kicking the table and chairs in one of the restaurants near the beach ,making me burst in  tears! People were looking at me, sympathy but this is the real picture in my life.

I need a few minutes for my cooling period before entering the class to teach Food Science and Nutrition to my students. No wonder I just couldn't bear my tears in front of them. It happened last semester when I cried in front of them. Day in day out, all these memories and experiences will help me cope with life and the most important thing is to "Redha" and "Sabar"(patient).

Monday Nov 4th - Iman is having his dental problem again

It has been a week since Iman showed to me his teeth and said "gigi, gigi". I know it's going to be a tough time. He got his dental problem again. It's already 3 months coming back to Dungun, I reported my duty on August 1st at UiTM Dungun. When we were in Bangi, I managed to take him to one of the private dental clinic in Bangsar Village KL. Dr Halina managed to take out his tooth. Alhamdulilllah, but now we are in Dungun, how to cope with his dental problem here then????

I remembered last time we had an appointment at Serdang Hospital. My son got to undergone a dental surgery as the dentist faced problem to open his mouth. My son couldn't even open his mouth when the doctor asked him to do so. He even bite the Doctor's finger. So scary, so he was referred to the Dental Surgery Department. He must be unconscious, then they can work on his dental treatment. Sadly to mention here, I failed to send him for surgery because my son is suffering from Asthma at the same time. They said it might be a risk if he got to go for surgery, mainly because he might not stand the Anesthesia during the operation. I cried while my son is crying for his painful toothache. I just gave him the pain killer until there was no crying. Today I had to make a decision. I must make him referred to the Hospital again. I must do this  as soon as possible before my life go crazy, my son just can't stop crying......

Friday June 27th - Penyesalan dan Doa Ibu (Malay version)

Coretan ibu:-

Iman anakku sayang, saat ini, pada jam 4.30 pagi, kau baru saja melelapkan matamu. Entah mengapa, sejak ibumu bersujud mohon keampunan dari Allah sebentar tadi, airmata ibu tidak henti-hentinya bercucuran, mengenang segala dosa ibu padamu. Iman sayang, ibu sedar Allah menyayangi ibu, maka dengan sebab itulah kau hadir dalam hidup ibu nak. Namun sebagai seorang manusia yang lemah, ibu pernah melihat anugerah Allah pada ibu ini sebagai tanda kifarah. Mungkin dulu ibu bukan merupakan anak yang baik terhadap kedua orang tua, atau mungkin Allah mengurniakan insan istimewa penghidap Autisme dan Hiperaktif sepertimu sebagai kifarah ke atas kelancangan tutur kata ibu terhadap teman-teman. Itulah ibumu yang dulu, penuh dengan segala macam tuduhan terhadap yang Maha Pencipta. Ibu salah perhitungan nak. Allah sebenarnya mengurniakanmu kerana dia kepingin mendengar rintihan ibu, luangan masa ibu utk berbicara dengannya sambil berusaha mengubah diri, muhasabah diri dan seterusnya melalui erti kesabaran menangani karenahmu, mungkin inilah carannya Allah permudahkan perjalanan ibu ke SYURGA.

Ibu manusia biasa nak, dulu ibu pernah mengasari dirimu, ibu pukul, tempeleng, menjerit, disamping kata-kata ibu yg kesat terhadapmu. Astaghfirullah hal azim, begitukah caranya ibu menerima Amanah dari Allah? Saat ibu dalam kegelapan, dari usia dua bulan pengajian ibu kau dikatakan OKU sehinggalah kini usia perjuangan ibumu sudah menjangkau 7 tahun, tiap kali memikirkan apakah ibu layak bergelar Doktor, airmata ibu berguguran nak? Sekarang ini ibu telah redha dengan kehadiranmu di sisi, cuma sebagai seorang ibu kpd seorang anak istimewa, ibumu ini sangat bercita-cita tinggi. Saat memikirkan peluang yang hampir tipis dalam perjuangan mengejar cita-cita yang ibu impikan sejak dari kecil.
Dorongan terhadap cita-cita inilah yang menyebabkan ibu berkasar denganmu.

Dulu ibu fikir mungkin inilah yang akan jadi sebab terhadap kegagalan ibu menggapai impian, Why now? Why it’s just 2 months after my Phd registration, If it’s 2 years, fine, at least I might already have collected my data. Kenapa? Kenapa ianya terlalu awal, seawall dua bulan di saat ibumu baru ingin memulakan perjuangan. Namun sekarang ibu nekad nak, apapun terjadi, jika Allah mengkehendakinya, satu masa itu akan berjaya jua. Walau sepuluh tahun, dua puluh tahun, jika Allah mengizinkan terkabulkan harapan ibumu.
Buat masa sekarang kaulah yang jadi nombor satu dalam hidup ibu nak, ibu akan berusaha menjaga kebajikanmu sebaiknya, ibu sedar bukan satu perkara mudah menghadapimu. Jam 3 atau 4 pagi malahan sebulan seperti biasa 4 kali kau pasti berjaga sehinggalah azan Subuh kedengaran.

Paling menyedihkan penyakit asma yang kau hidapi semakin teruk dengan cuaca sekarang ini. Meredah jalan gelap di malam hari, berdua denganmu untuk mengambil gas di klinik bukan perkara asing buat ibumu, apatah lagi setelah ayahmu ditugaskan ke Sabah. Pilu hati ini nak. Apakah tiada ihsan di hati pegawai atasan ayahmu, memisahkan ibumu dengan suami tercinta yang merupakan peniup semangat perjalanan kami di dunia bersamamu. Kalau dulu kami berkongsi payah jerih merawatmu, sekarang ibu harus mengerjakannya sendiri tanpa ayahmu di sisi. Bulan ini genaplah 7 bulan ayahmu ke Sabah, dan selama itulah airmata merupakan teman ibu yang paling setia.
Saban malam ketika menunggu mu melelapkan mata, bermacam karenahmu yang harus ibu hadapi. Korek punggung kau sapukan ke ibu, kau pegang kepala ibu selang 15 minit, kau lakukan ini kerana insan sepertimu yang dianugerahkan deria yang amat sensitive, menyebabkan kau suka menyentuh rambut orang. Tak cukup dengan itu sesekali kau menjerit sekuatnya sehingga kakak dan adik-adikmu terbangun di tengah malam, mereka menangis, adik Irfan suruh ibu buang abang Man, ibu kata, “Dik, abangmu ahli syurga nak, kalau di dunia adik benci dia, di depan Allah nanti takut abang Man tak nak mengaku yang adik ni adiknya, kalau adik baik dgn abang di dunia, dia sayang adik. Nanti dia kata Allah selamatkanlah adikku”. Tiap kali mengingatkan mu semangat ibu kembali, ibu tak menangis di depan kalian, ibu harus kuat nak.
Ibu terpaksa menahan kekecewaan.

Pada malam hari ibu fikir inilah masanya yang sesuai untuk ibu teruskan penulisan ibu. Namun sesekali tercabar juga kesabaran ibu bilamana ibu tak dapat menaip walau sepatah ayatpun buat menghabiskan tesis ibu. Sebaliknya kau hanya mahu ibu memerhatikanmu, sesekali memelukmu. Kalau kau lihat ibu leka dengan laptop ibu, kau hendap ke muka ibu kata “sakit sakit” atau “tito tito”. Itulah dua perkataan yang menjadi interaksi antara kita. Kau masih lagi memakai pampes walaupun usiamu sudah menjangkau 9 tahun, guru di makmal Autisme UKM sudah berjaya mengajarmu ke tandas, namun ibu terpaksa juga memakaikannya di rumah kerana apabila kau tak berpuashati akan sesuatu kau akan kencing tiba-tiba, baik di dalam kereta, di sofa malahan dimana-mana sekali pun tanpa mengira masa. Ibu kongsikan pengalaman ibu menerusi sebuah diari dalam laman blog ‘imanspecialboy’ yang ibu namakan sempena namamu.

Tidak mengapalah nak. Ibu redha. Apa yang boleh ibu lakukan hanyalah bersabar dan bersabar, sambil dalam hati ibu tergambar yang ibu sedang memasuki salah satu pintu SYURGA itu yang khusus di sediakan buat umatNya yang bersabar. Ibu dan ayahmu serta seisi keluarga kita akan memasuki pintu itu dengan rasa penuh syukur nak. Doakan ibu dan ayahmu, suami yang ibu cintai dunia dan akhirat…………

Sunday May 27th - Our trip to Langkawi

My kids were so happy that day when I told them last month that we're going to Langkawi during this school holiday. I tried to reduce their stress by taking them out for a vacation. I pity my kids, they got to deal with Iman's repetitive behavior at their young age. They turn to be less confident, feeling inferior to other friends, sometimes they use to be unsocialised.

I tried to convince them that God is giving us an opportunity to go to Heaven by having somebody like Iman in our family. It teaches us to be more patient, "redha", "syukur" and take this as a challenge, but as young kids, I admit that it's easier said than done! Adwa, his elder sister use to cry almost everyday when she just can't cope with Iman. Just imagine Iman came to her, within 5 minutes, keeps on repeating the same thing like saying "pukul", "sakit" repeatedly or even wiping his fingers on his sister's head. Iman is so fond of people's hair. Maybe he finds it so nice on his palm when he touches one's hair. Autistic has a sensory problem. I know that. But it's also irritating when we got to face the same problem everyday in our life right?

Our trip to Langkawi today is better than our last trip to Kota Kinabalu. Iman still made some irritating sounds in the plane, but I managed to control his behavior. Thanks God, we arrived safely in Langkawi today at 2.30 pm. We stay at Awana Porto Malai until Thursday. I just came back from the lobby together with my maid after dinner. You know, I just have my "WOW" moments just now at the lobby. I sang the song "You Needed Me" by Anne Murray. I'm so happy tonight as I got such an honest compliment from my maid and some international guest of the Hotel. Now I believe that with this kind of situation I really need time for myself!

Wednesday, May 16th - Iman was admitted

Last Monday, Iman got an acute asthma attack. Thus, he was admitted for 2 days at Hospital Serdang. His last attack was in November 2010. I managed to reduce his asthma problem when I started giving him Herbalife hibiscus tea since Jun 2010. Since my husband was transferred to Tawau last November, I always forgot to give him the tea early morning. My husband was the one who used to be so discipline by putting that tea in Iman's milk every morning. I feel so guilty to my son. I really can't cope with my task at home, in the office, even with my Phd thesis since he left me alone with all my kids in Bangi.

My life is so misery since my husband is not around. Last week I went to The Prime Minister Department for them to consider about my my husband's application to come back to IPG Kuala Lumpur. To me our case is a special one. I know if they consider my husband to come back, other lecturers in IPG Tawau would also like to apply back. To me it's not the good reason for them to reject my husband application to come back. They should have given their due consideration to my case as it is different for others. 

During his stay at the ward in Hospital Serdang, I cried throughout the night. The glucose drip couldn't get into his body since he always trying to take out the needle from his hand. He threw his tantrums until morning, making everybody in his ward so mad, they couldn't sleep till morning! My son made a loud noise, he woke them up in the midst of their sleeping. I feel so guilty to all the people in the ward, but what can I do to solve the problem? My son just couldn't take it when the Doctors and nurses were so busy putting the needles on  him. I know it was painful....  

Wednesday, March 13th - I met with an accident yesterday

It was such a hectic life when I didn't sleep at all last last night. I got a 3 hours class at UiTM. What to do, life goes on. I end the class at 5.00 pm and rushed back to Bangi. It was raining along the way, when suddenly I hit somebody's car at the back. Actually I was so tired and was not able to give my focus on my driving. Thanks God I'm still alive for Tajul Iman. My sorry to Mr Nava who works at TUDM, also my thankful to you for just letting me go.

Monday, Feb 20th - We want back to Dungun

We went back to Dungun last Friday to visit my parents in law. Tajul Iman was so happy during the journey. When we passed through the Karak tunnel he shouted so loudly. When the tunnel ends, he kept on shouting until I found myself so dizzy with the sounds. We stopped only once at R&R Karak. Our journey  was much  easier than before, as he was asleep during the journey. When we reached Dungun, around 12.00 pm, he  suddenly woke up. My God, he didn't asleep until morning. I only managed to sleep after I perform my Subuh prayer. It was so exhausting!

During my stay in Dungun, I faced another problem where it's so hard to control his behavior playing with the water tap.  He turn it on and off continuously. He sprayed the water all over the place. I pity my mother in law as she couldn't sleep well at night. Iman keeps on jumping and making so much noise! That's the reason why I seldom go back to my in law's place.

Tuesday, Feb 7th -  Iman hit me with a tennis racket
It happened when I was sleeping in the midst of the night. I was so tired that I felt asleep last night when suddenly he bashed me on my head! I cried in pain. Thank God I didn't slap him. Tears running down my cheeks. I said to him "Iman, it's painful! You love me?, Don't want me to die, so don't do this again." He just ran away and say he he he.......God please give me the strength.

Sunday, Feb 5th - Sorry to my blog visitors

Hi!  It is so long since I post my last diary 2 months ago. It was not an easy time since my husband left us for a transfer to Tawau, Sabah. I cried in pain the day he left 2 months ago. I got to take care of all my four kids, especially to deal with Iman, alone in Bangi. I couldn't find a room for my Phd. With UiTM final exam, I couldn't see any light, at the end of the tunnel. Hope after this, I'm able to cope with my study. That is his father who is so good at controlling his tantrums and all those negative behaviors. No father at home is such a challenging thing for me to cope. I leave it to God. My husband is applying back to Semenanjung, and I am applying to Tawau.  Only God knows better. Where are we supposed to be and what kind of journey it is for the rest of the family. May God give me all the strength!

Year 2013 

Friday, Dis 16th - An exhausting weekend

It has been a long time since my last post to Iman's diary. It is such a hard time for me now as I just have another one year for me to complete my Phd writing. I put myself into trouble when I do a mix method - quantitative and qualitatve study. I really can't cope with my full time lecturing job, my family and my everyday life travelling so much from Bangi, Shah Alam and Puncak Alam. I thought weekends will be an appropriate time for me to focus on my Phd but I can't. Until now I failed to do so.

This week is even a worse weekend. All my boys got diarrhea, vomiting since last week - it might be due to food poisoning. Iman suffers a 3 days fever, diarrhea and vomiting. The rest suffers for 2 days each. So I'd to spend more than a week as a nurse and doctors at home as I got 4 kids. Only today I managed to go for work and yet to do anything on my PhD. Poor Iman, he got a severe vomiting and diarrhea and it's not an easy thing to give him any oral medication to release the pain! I cried in agony to see his predicament. Thanks to God as Azim just have it a day since he's a product lover of my Herbalife Hibiscus tea. It works on him. No need to give him any medication except for the Herbalife tea.. More info at this site

Sunday, Nov 27th - Our stay in Dungun

This is the first time after quite some time we came to the beach with Tajul Iman. I remembered, it was 6 months ago when he was so happy when we brought him to Pantai Teluk Lipat, Dungun. But that time I got a bad experience when he ran so fast and jumped into the sea. I got panic and I jumped into the sea to catch him. Thanks God, I managed to bring him to the seashore. Both of us were SAVE. Today he's much better as compared to before, he just play at the sea shore, busy helping his younger siblings with their "Sand Casttle". Not daring to get into the sea. 

Wednesday, Nov 16th -Mum got something from the radio
I was in the car today when I heard about a 4 year old Autistic boy, who had shown some improvement after taking a product call Smart Cocoa A+ produced by a Malaysian Company, called Fortune Resources. Further details please click on a post from this blog under "Alternative Medication for Autism" 

 Monday , Nov 9th  - Iman farted at me

Iman got a new habit since last week where he fart in front of his siblings. I noticed that he'll do it whenever the siblings tease him or make him angry. On my way to UKM this morning, he said something but I ignored him as I was so busy talking to my mother over the phone. He was at the back of the car when he kept on grumbling on something which I couldn't understand. He suddenly came to the front and farted at me. It smells like skunk! Oh my God? What am I supposed to do? 

Monday , Oct 31st - Iman manage to say "Syahadah"

Alhamdulillah after a month my son is now able to say his Syahadah on his own. But one thing about him that I should understand is whenever he refuse to follow my instructions, I must be patient and just stop. He doesn't like me forcing him to do something again and again. The best part, now he says "nanak" and started to interact with the siblings. Sooner or later, I hope he'll be able to leave his "own world" and back to us as a normal person. Yesterday when I asked him to switch of the light (when we wanted to go to bed) he said to me "nanak yakuk". Maybe he's saying "tak nak, takut" in Malay which means he didn't want to switch of the light as he's afraid of the darkness.

Saturday , Oct 22nd - Iman threw his tantrums at the swimming pool

After 3 nights in Penang, we traveled to Perlis to visit my friend, Ina Maswati, who had been admitted at Hospital Kangar since 2008. We stayed at Putra Palace Hotel, Kangar. Iman was so happy during our stay in Penang. It is a bad day today since he threw his tantrums at the swimming pool this morning. As usual, his siblings teased him again. I can't control his siblings from teasing him, again and again. He used to pass urine in the hotel room. When I put on his diapers, he took out the cottons, he keeps on tearing his diapers when he's angry. How can I stop this behavior? This morning Irfan took his mineral water and threw it into the pool. He was so angry and suddenly he took out his swimming suit and screamed. Everybody was so surprised towards his action. An 8 year old boy was naked at the pool today!

Tuesday , Oct 18th - Our journey to Penang

My kids were so happy when the father told them about going to Penang last week. My husband will have to present 2 papers in a conference at IPG Gelugor. I pity them as it has been so long since our last vacation to Sabah last year. Staying in Bangi really makes us having a financial constraints, thus it limits our opportunity to go for a vacation. Iman's father already had a Phd but still it is so hard for him to update his salary. Still at DG44 since 2009. I hope my letter to Datuk Seri Shahrizat Jalil last week will change his Destiny and he will deserve his right to get at least DG48 as an IPG lecturer,  with a Doctor in front of his name.

Our family lives is not easy since we had Iman. It affects us so much. I use to entertain my kids with a vacation at least once in a month since I noticed our life was so stress in coping up with Iman's behavior. Iman can't go to sleep early, he disturb his siblings in the middle of the night. Adik cried at 3 pm when Iman jumped on him, kakak cried when Iman bite her pencil case, cut her pencils into two etc. We're not like other family. My daughter always asked us to eat at the restaurants but I use to say "No, not this time when we still can't control Iman's behavior in public". I remembered when Iman threw his tantrums last year in a restaurant. We end up by just leaving the restaurant without finishing our meals.

Our trip today seems to be a tough one. I admit this might be the first and the last for me driving all the way from Bangi to Penang. Next time, we should take a flight to Penang. Iman pass urine 5 times in a 7 hours journey. My husband helps to control his tantrums by having a few stops at R&R as Iman can't stay longer in our car. But still, he passed urine to show his dissatisfaction towards the long journey and towards his 2 younger siblings. They are still young. I can't avoid them from teasing him, Iman reacts by just screaming and pass his urine!

Friday , Oct 14th - I got to threaten him

This morning I have a severe back pain. Last night, I used to sleep in a sitting position for nearly 4 hours. It started when my son didn't sleep when it was already 2 am. I used a clothes hanger in order to threaten him, so that his behavior can be controlled. I remembered it was 2.30 am and I forced him to the bed, sitting beside him, holding the hanger. He kept on jumping ang laughing, then screaming. I'm worried as he might  disturbed my neighbour next door. He kocked on the walls with his head and foot, and using my tennis racket he knocked on the cupboard. My hubby moved to the next room and locked the door. I pity him so much, so worried, his blood pressure will be up to 160/100 again. It has been a year since we took Herbalife and everything seems to be fine. But I don't want to take things for granted as I'm not very sure how long we can stay healthy with the product. (It was so convincing that day when I met Trey Herron, a guy from Mississippi who stays so healthy after 27 years consuming the product for breakfast, what a good cellular nutrition. He stays so healthy up to 37 yr. He was only 10 when his parents decided to start a healthy products for the whole family). I woke up at 6.15 am when I noticed my back was so painful. Now I understand. It's not easy to run a life with a special child. It needs a healthy life with a healthy supplemen. Thanks God, the back pain gone after half an hour I took the Herbalife tea. It works on me!

Friday , Oct 7th - I got to let it go!

I got a free vacation to Sarawak for Iman's story which was on air on 12th July 2011. The Radio staff called me an ask for a confirmation today. I said I can't make it as the free package is just given to me alone. How about the rest? My hubby, my kids, Iman? How can I be separated from my special son for 3 nights? I never leave him so far, even if I had to attend to any meetings or conferences outstation, I'll bring him along. I begged the organizer for a lower price as I got to spend around RM5K if I were to bring them along. So expensive. I would rather spend that money for my son's treatment.

They gave me one, BUT they want 5 from me. That's normal for a travel agent right? What an unfair thing to a winner like me... Now I know that the prize is NOT for me. What to do? I eventually say NO for a trip to Sarawak. My family comes first. I pity all my kids as they were so happy when they announced my name on the radio last week. But what to do? They don't understand us, they are not in our shoes.. To my kids I told them to pray to God, someday we'll be able to go.   InsyaAllah.

Tuesday , Oct 4th - Iman's Luck!

Today I'm having a good news to tell you. Alhamdulillah, Iman's story on air at 98.3 FM (you can listen from this blog) had won the free vacation to Sarawak. Thanks God. At last I manage to win a contest at the age of 40. Again my Thanks to Allah for His blessings. I'm having back my good health at the age of 40, have a blog at the age of 40, have more friends, starts helping other people with Herbalife products, starts improving myself as a mother, and last but not least, I'm now closer to  my God. To all of you out there, please go back to God and you'll find your life much easier, no stress, just do the best for our special kids! Starts having a better health from now. Please come to my Nutrition Club in Bangi and we'll have some activities together.

Monday , Oct 3rd - Iman bites my thumb drive!

I really pushing myself so hard this weekend. I need to tell my supervisor, I'm still having a hope for my Phd. I tried to finish whatever part which can make her giving a better perception towards my achievements. No matter how hard I tried, the challenge is still there. This morning when I woke up my thumbdrive had already broken into two. With tears I picked it up, instead of punishing him, I held him thight and said., "Iman this is not food. This is thumbdrive. Mummy got to work hard for my Phd, for me to become a better mum. Please pray for me, let's pray to God to give mummy more strength, to face the world..."

I had failed to convince my supervisor that I just use half an hour a day to update my blog, I know she care for me but she's yet to understand that I'm now using technology to reduce my stress. 5 years ago, my husband and I had a series of  "fights" on Iman's behavior, he go crazy when I keep on reporting and complaining about our son to him. But now, using his talent to iniate a blog and using my skills in writing, we manage to keep things under controlled. I'm happy to have more visitors to my blogs an my day to day life. They give me support throughout my hard lives, just by reading my post and give their comments. Now I understand that "I got to GIVE when I want to GET.  All these years, we never turn to anyone when we had problems, our daily lives became harder and harder until I came to my turning point, only after God gives me back my health and we start blogging since 20th June (my life really begins at 40). All this while we never beg for money when we just have RM50 in our pockets, what we want is just understanding.. I want to make sure I'll get my Phd in a year from now. I already have a spirit to continue my Phd Journey, Prof, I'll prove it to you!

Thursday , Sept 29th - Mum's Diary -Not much progress for my PhD

Today, I got to see my supervisor for me to be able to change my status to "Part Time" student at UKM. Last night I couldn't sleep well. I can't imagine, how she will react after seeing my PhD progress- to me there is no progress at all after I postponed my PhD for two semesters. It's so hard for me to cope with my 18 hours load of teaching each semesters at UiTM, where I can't find a room for my PhD. Only this semester where they give me just 10 hours a week (under the Salvage Doctor Program) then I think I will have much time for my thesis. Sadly, the same thing happen today as I burst in tears all the way from my supervisors office back to my car. She couldn't take it, so hard for her to accept the fact that I can't show any progress since I met her last year. That is my major mistake as I didn't see her the whole year as I thought there's no used to see her with no progress. After all I postponed my study during that time. But I was wrong. She still wanted to see some progress eventhough I was not in the system. I cried all the way to Shah Alam today as she said she doesn't like me blogging, and "sell" Herbalife. Thus, I lost my focus o my study.

How I wish I could convince my Professor that I just got a spirit to continue my journey only after I got back my health since a year ago. I'm now free from insulin injection and can consider myself as free from diabetes.  Only March last year I gain back all my strength to finish my PhD after I no more have to jap insulin, free from asthma and not a single attack of Anxiety Disorder since the day I found Herbalife. Prof, I got to stay healthy, then there's a "HOPE" for my Phd. Also by being a blogger and keep on posting a single diary, I reduce my stress and I love doing this as I think I'm, now a support group to all the people out there, who is here with me in the same journey, same route, same boat!

Wednesday , Sept 28th - His Asthma comes again

Iman's asthma problem shows some improvement when I introduced the aloe vera drink to him. I got to mix the Herbalife aloe drink with his sunquick orange drink. I use to put some hibiscus tea in his Lipton tea drink also. Thanks to God, he improves a lot. His liquid intake also increased. But today when I sent him to UKM Lab, I noticed, during lunch he shared the ice drink with his teachers. This makes him coughing all the way back home from school. I tried to avoid ice drink by not putting any ice cube in my refrigerator, but when it comes to school setting, I can't control him. This is the last week of Syawal and we still attended a few open  house and of course, there's a must for them to serve ice to the guest. Last night I couldn't sleep at all. Iman got to be given his gas (using Nebulizer) for almost an hour. 2 times a night. I pity my son and I cried while operaring the gas system for him. God, please help my son, I pity him so much.  

Monday , Sept 19th - A good advice from a friend (Malay version)

Hari ini hatiku sebak sebaik sahaja melalui perkarangan UKM, ku lihat mereka semua sibuk berfoto di hadapan DECTAR. Inilah konvokesyen ke-3 yang harus kurelakan ianya berlalu begitu sahaja kerana aku masih belum mampu menamatkan pengajian kedoktoran ku. Sebaik sampai di UiTM aku mengetuk pintu Dr Che Mah dan mengucapkan tahniah atas kejayaannya. Inilah dugaan berat yang perlu kuhadapi, mana taknya, kami berdua diletakkan di bawah seliaan penyelia yang sama di UKM, aku mendaftar setahun awal dari Che Mah dan sekarang aku harus menyaksikan dia menamatkan perjuangannya terlebih dahulu. Allah jualah yang tahu siksanya hatiku menerima hakikat ini. Namun aku Redha, jika Allah mengizinkan, InsyaAllah 10 tahun pun aku bisa menggapai impianku untuk bergelar Dr. Norlaila. It's just a matter of  time. 

Kasih seorang teman, beliau menasihatiku supaya bersabar dan redha dengan ketentuan Allah, menurutnya selagi kita masih belum redha, Allah akan turunkan lagi dugaan demi dugaan. Benar kata Che Mah, tapi 5 tahun aku perlukan untuk redha dengan ketentuannya. Lima tahun aku perlukan untuk menerima Tajul Iman seadanya dia, mengasihi dia, bersabar dengan tabiat dan tingkahlakunya, belajar berhadapan dengan masyarakat di luar sana.

Jan 2011 barulah aku sedar yang sebelum ini aku silap. Aku menangisi takdirNya sedangkan aku tidak sedar bahawa Allah mengasihiku dan ingin menaikkan darjatku. Rahmatnya sedikit demi sedikit ku rasakan, aku mulai bersyukur dengan kurniaannya, dengan nikmat memiliki suami seperti TAJULDDIN MUHAMMAD, yang sering berusaha mendekatkan aku kepada pencipta yang Agung. Aku mula muhasabah diri, memilih bahan bacaan, channel untuk ku dengar, radio IKIM dan BFM. TV AL Hijrah, Astro Oasis...Radio IKIM dan BFM sekarang menjadi penemanku sepanjang perjalanan dari bangi ke Shah Alam setiap hari. Begitu juga dengan CD Al Quran. Yang paling hebat aku sekarang sudah mampu menghafal surah-surah pendek seperti Al Mulk, As Sajadah, Al Waqiah, Al Rahman..Sebelum ini amat sukar sekali untuk ku lakukan.

Aku jadikan jarak perjalaanku yang jauh  ini untuk menambahkan zikir-zikir pengubat hati dan syifa yang selama ini aku abaikan. Aku gunakan tiap 5 minit sebelum pengajaranku buat mendidik rohani anak-anak didikku di UiTM semoga mereka membesar dan bercambah menjadi benih-benih Muslim yang sentiasa mencari keredhaan Allah, bukan dunia dan redha manusia semata-mata.

Aku mohon agar dosa-dosaku diampunkan olehNya.....Kepada adik-adik dan teman-teman di luar sana, yang baru dianugerahkan sebutir permata seperti Muhammad Tajul Iman, hargailah insan istimewa ini kerana ada Rahmat dan Kasih Allah bersamanya..Berusahalah memegang amanah dariNya.

Thursday , Sept 15th - I should be more patient!

Today, my son is late to MAiA again. Dr Hasnah told me this morning, my son got to come early to the lab as he always missed the morning lessons. My son might not able to achieve the required target for his RPI if he always comes late. I'm so upset as I thought I had done all my very best for my son to come early to school. I used to bathe him at the Petrol station, at the mosque, at PDK, at the hospital (for him to be early for his therapy and his class at UKM and PDK). I do this as it's so hard for me to wake him up as the earliest for him to go to sleep is at  3 am everyday . Thus I got to be strong, get him into the car and bathe him on the way to the lab, hospital or PDK. Iman is already 30 kg and it's a risk for me (4 X Caesarean mother) to carry such a big boy. But what to do? I got no choice. I cried in the car coz the way she said just now do hurt me so much. Am I such a fail mother? My Phd? My work? My carrier? My son?

Just now when we were at home I was so mad with Iman as he kept on saying "keluar", "keluar", "tido", "tido" whereas I was so busy preparing myself to go for work. He threw his tantrums, as usual, kicking here and there. My youngest son's hamster ran out from the cage when Iman kicked its cage and it made me ran all over the house to put him back in its cage. Huh! what a very tough life! I stop crying when my student suddenly called me to remind me about a meeting at UiTM. This semester I got to take care of 40 "babies", even to cater for their registration problem. What a mess in life..........                      

Wednesday , Sept 7th - I not supposed to work!

Last night my friend SMS to me telling me that there'll be a meeting at 9.30 am today. Again, I'll be late for the meeting. The Autism Lab at UKM only opens at 8.30 am. The earliest for me to get to Shah Alam is at 10 am. Of course this time I'll be late again. What should I do? Am I going to get a negative feedback from my bos?

Today I manage to wake him up at 9.00 am. After a tough time... since he just started to sleep only at 4.30 this morning, as a mother I don't have a heart to wake him up as early as 7 am (for me to get to Shah Alam on time for the meeting). What a hard time today. I just managed to drop him at UKM around 10.00 am. My boss will be so angry this time. On my way to my work place, so many things jumble up in my mind? How can I face my colleagues? How can I face my superior? Oh My God, please give me a way, so that I can quit work ASAP, so that I won't cause problem to my Organization. I'm tired of being like this all the time, rushing everyday from Bangi to Shah Alam.

I speed my car up to 120  km/h today, for me to get to UiTM ASAP. In this case I really sacrifice my safety on the road. God please give me a safe journey. Please help me to be a full time mother, and manage to support my family with my own flexible working hours. Sometime I feel guilty that I always cannot be in my office on time, causing some irritable feelings among my colleagues.

Hari Raya Holiday in Dungun , (August 28th - Sept 2nd ) - It so hard to control his diet!

Hari Raya week is such a hard time for me every year, in order to control my son's diet. I spent 5 days in Dungun this year. We visited some relatives and friends, how I missed them so much. Time is so limited for us to see each other. Since I moved to Bangi in 2005 for my Phd, I don't dare to take a risk of travelling long hours with Iman. He used to be so active in our car, playing and kicking here and there. The worse part is when he's hungry he'll throw his tantrums, he used to bang his head and broke our windscreen, my poor Exora! What to do! But one thing during Raya time that I can't control is his diet! Malaysian nowadays tend to serve carbonated drinks, huh! once he took it...surely he'll be having extra energy, allowing him to stay up the whole night. I experienced 3 nights during this Raya, staying up till morning...causing me to have nausea, dizzy and also headache during daytime. It's impossible to have a nap during daytime also, this is my in laws place!  I really pity my 63 year old mum who can't stand with the noise throughout the night. What to do! This time I really need a family support, to understand and to take my son as what he is...

Friday , August 26th - Puan Laila in on air at BFM radio station (89.9 FM) 

Today I am interviewed by Meera Sivasothy in a segment called "The Bigger Picture" at 3.00 pm. We discussed a topic on "The Challenges of Being a Caregiver for an Autistic Child". I really admire my favorite DJ, Meera. I came with a full script, but being so nervous during the interview, I forgot all the scripts and was not able to look into the list of valuable points, I had prepared for the interview. This is my first experience to be interviewed on air, thanks God as I managed to answer all the questions. I do have some points which I didn't say it out during the interview. I'll put them in the Section "Parent's Health and Education" in this blog for you to benefit them.
Wednesday , August 24th - God is testing me again

Last night Iman didn't sleep at all, the whole night. It is fasting month and I feel so exhausted today when I drive my car to Shah Alam. So sleepy as I was turning to the next lane when I was at NKVE Highway. Thank God as He save me. Just the guy who was so angry when I suddenly got into his lane. I stop for a 20 minutes nap at Batu 3 tol, Shah Alam. Last night I got to put on his diapers as he kept on passing urine all over the place, on my bed, on the cushion, everywhere in the house. What makes me even more exhausted is whenever I put on his diapers, he will tore out the cottons of the diapers. Now the house is full of yellow cottons coming out from his wet diapers and Madam Laila is crying like Cinderella with a dust bin and a broom on her hand!

Monday , July, 31st - Don't grumble about him to other people

I was in my hometown in Negeri Sembilan when I talked about him with my family. He was there and right after listening to me grumbling about his behavior, he threw his temper tantrums again. It takes me about half an hour to make him cool down. Huh! how big is this challenge to me at this point of time when I am so busy with my Phd writing. Life was so stressful last week as I'd to cop with  my Phd life and also had to  prepare some final exam questions for next semester. This sem they gave me 20 hours. Huh.... what a hectic life, but what to do. Life goes on. Today I listen to Wardina Safiyyah on air at IKIM radio station. So cool, so good as she reminds me about getting myself closer to Allah by reciting Al Quran. She said the solutions are all there. I respect you Sis. So let's take it and I wish the Muslims a Karim Ramadhan. May Allah bless us.

Thursday , July, 21st - Iman needs attention

Today I sent my son to PDK in Putrajaya. The teacher told me that my son might be having an abdominal pain or he might be having diarrhea. I told the teachers that it has been 2 weeks since Iman always wants me to massage his tummy. Sometimes it irritates me as every 5 to 10 minutes he came to me and show me his tummy.  My conclusion to this is he's an ADHD patient! This might be part of his behavior. Thus, I don't want to take it seriously... all I need to do is to keep calm and be patient. God is testing me. I'm a little bit concern about his sister as she can't take it. Last night she cried when Iman keeps on bothering her with his tummy while she was busy with her homework. Poor kids! What to do?

Wednesday , July, 20th - He's so fond of water

Autistic children is always fond of water. I remembered when he was five, he jumped into the beach in Dungun. That time, I was so stressful when I got to jumped into the water to save him. A poor fat woman was in the water, thanks to God as I managed to save him. Today he keeps on going in an out from the toilet, taking shower, pass urine and sat on the toilet bowl. I was so exhausted. At last I put on his diapers again. What to do? Next year Iman will be wearing elderly diapers. I hope this won't take long... Started from January I no more had to put on the diapers but since last week he seems to have another behavior. He pass urine whenever he got angry, or when I threatened him with hanger or rubber band. I don't know whether I am allowed to do so, but I had no idea as it works!

Monday , July, 18th - Iman cuts his hair!

Last night when I was in the toilet (at 3 am) Iman cut his hair. It took me just 5 minutes in the toilet and when I came out, see what happen? He looks so terrible! Until this morning. I got to send him to MaIA as I got to rush to my workplace. What to do? I'd always advise Adwa, his sister to keep out the scissors away from him, but still my son managed to get it. Sometimes I wonder, he's so smart that he use to know whereever we put the scissors!

Wednesday, July 13th - My story is on air

Radio Malaysia Klasik Nasional is having a competition for a slot called "ADILA - Aku, Dia dan Lagu". They called it "Coretan Kenangan". We can send our entrees and the best story will be given a free vacation. Thus, I sent a story on Iman and how we cope with him. My story is on air at 6 pm today and I was in my car when they read the story to the listeners. I chose 3 songs : Intan Liyana (A Ramlee), Anak (Carefree) and Terlalu Istimewa (Adibah Noor).  I'm so happy but I cried as I still have the pain here. In my heart......Thinking back about  the first time he was diagnosed and what happened to me. (You can read about my story available in my blog at "Parent's Health" . To Rosli Derani and Klasik Nasional, I thank you so much, for giving me an opportunity to share with all the listeners about Iman. Below is my "Coretan Kenangan" (In Malay version)

"Duhai anakku, Muhammad Tajul Iman. Coretan ini ibu kirimkan buat pengajaran insan di luar sana agar menerima segala dugaanNya dengan sabar. Sesungguhnya Allah menyayangi ibu dan ayahmu, maka kami dianugerahkan sebutir permata sepertimu. Tanggal 15 Jun 2003 kau dilahirkan sebagai seorang anak yg comel, ibu akui rupa parasmu adalah yang paling cantik di kalangan anak-anak kami.

Malangnya ibu tidak menyedari akan kelainanmu pada peringkat awalnya. Kau mempunyai masalah percakapan, tiada fokus, menghantukkan kepala, melakukan tabiat yg sama berulang-ulang kali dan lain-lain lagi. Perkataan Autisme dan ADHD itu terlalu asing bagi ibu sehinggalah kau disahkan menghidapinya pada saat ibu baru ingin memulakan sebuah perjuangan dalam bidang pengajian ibu. Hanya selepas 2 bulan ibu menghadirkan diri sebagai calon Phd kau disahkan menghidapi Autisme. Bermula dari tarikh itu, hidup ibu terumbang ambing, dunia dirasakan gelap segelap-gelapnya, saban hari ibu menangis, paling memilukan komitmen ibu terhadap pelajaran berlalu begitu sahaja. Ayahmu yang juga ketika itu baru bergelar pelajar turut menerima kesannya dengan masalah gangguan tidur sehinggalah beliau sendiri menghidap penyakit darah tinggi.

Tiap mlm ibu menjagamu. Pukul 3, 4, 5 pagi sehinggalah pada tahap ibu tidak dapat tidur sepanjang malam sama sekali kerana ibu harus memastikan keselamatanmu kerana jika ibu lalai atau pun tertidur, kau boleh mencederakan diri sendiri kerana selain Autisme, kau juga menghidap hiperaktif (iaitu Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). Paling menyedihkan pernah pada jam 3 pagi, ibu tertidur selama 10 minit, hasilnya, kau bermain dengan najismu sendiri. Sambil bercucuran airmata ibu bersihkan tilam, cadar dan bilik ibu. Dalam hati ibu bertanya, sampai bilakah ini semua akan berakhir?
Justeru tekanan demi tekanan telah ibu rasakan, sehinggalah pada 10 Mac 2010, ibu disahkan menghidap kencing manis yang agak membimbangkan sehingga ibu terpaksa mengambil suntikan insulin. Sehingga tahun 2008 (iaitu selepas 3 tahun kau dilabel sebagai penghidap Autisme) ibu telah disahkan menghidap pelbagai penyakit. Antaranya Gout, Hiperkolesterol, Asma, Anxiety Disorder, begitu parah sekali sehingga berat ibu mencapai 108 kg. Ibu juga jadi Obes nak.

Namun segala-galanya kini berakhir. Syukur. Allah maha kaya, dan masih memberikan kesihatan yang baik kepada ibu. Sekarang ini genaplah setahun ibu menikmati nikmat kesihatan yang dikurniakan Allah. Ibu sekarang ini telah bebas dari segala-galanya. Alhamdulillah Allah masih sayang pada ibu dan memberikan peluang untuk ibu jadi sihat kembali. Ini semua adalah berkat kesabaran dan keimanan ayahmu yang kini telah bergelar Doktor, sokongan dan cintanya terhadap ibu, ayahmu berjaya mengembalikan keyakinan pada ibu yang ibu masih ada harapan untuk jadi sepertinya. Dengannya juga ibu Berjaya muhasabah diri, redha dengan pemberian Allah dan melalui hari-hari penuh derita dalam hidup kami dengan sabar dan bersyukur kepada Allah SWT. Mungkin dengan anak istimewa kami ini kami dapat kejayaan lebih besar di dunia dan di akhirat.Melalui bimbingan ayahmu ibu semakin hampir kepada yang Maha Esa.

Kepada sekalian teman yg telah memberikan sokongan melalui perkongsian ibu di laman blog yang ibu namakan sempena namamu iaitu “”, terima kasih atas sokongan anda semua. Kepada teman-teman baru ibu di facebook “Autisme Malaysia”, sesungguhnya pengalaman dan perkongsian kalian amat berharga buat diri ini. Ibu zahirkan blog mu ini untuk ibu jadikan medan perkongsian bagi ibu membantu ibubapa lain yang terpilih untuk melayari hidup dengan kurniaan insan sepertimu. Ibu tidak mahu orang di luar sana melalui hidup seperti ibu dek kerana kejutan akibat anak istimewa ini, yang kebanyakan orang menganggapnya sebagai beban. Ibu bersyukur nak,  setelah 5 tahun kau disahkan sebagai insan istimewa, usiamu pun sudah menjangkau 8 tahun, kini barulah ibu menyedari bahawa dengan kehadiranmu anak, telah memberikan ibu dan ayahmu peluang muhasabah diri, memperbaiki diri sendiri serta berusaha menggapai peluang yang sedang menanti di hadapan sana. Tuhan, berikan kami kesihatan yang baik untuk kami jalankan amanahmu yang satu ini… Amin…"

Tuesday, July 12th - Meeting with Anne Moon Glenn, M.Ed (Traveling Special Education Teacher)

Today I got an opportunity to talk with Anne, from Oregon, United States. She's no nice and she do share many things with me. I ask her how to tackle Iman's biting behaviour as until now my son is still have small holes around his T shirt collar. He keeps on biting his clothes until now and makes me so upset as I got spend so much money on his new clothes  She asked me to get a chewlry, which comes in a form of bangles or necklace. Just put it on. It can act as a substitute for him to chew. It's well known that Autism children have a very sensitive sensory, that makes them having a series of sensory problems.  Thus, we got to find some alternatives for them or get some training methods in order to solve the problem.

Monday, July 11th (Malay version) - Mums got to sacrifice!

Today I send my son to PDK. This is a centre set by Malaysian Government under JKM to provide a special education (so call) for special children, just operating half day from 8 am to 12 pm. I purposely send him to PDK once a week as according to JKM I got to send my son there (at least 4 days a month) so that he can get his monthly allowance (RM150). It's such a hard time for me to sacrifice 4 days a month, where I used to come late to my office. I'd already told my boss but it seems so hard for him to let me do so.  But what to do? I got to convince him that I'll do all my very best when I am at work.

Today, I got to go back late. I punch in after 12.00 pm today. Thus, I got to be in the office up to 8.00 pm in order to compensate my working hours. What to do? I can't stand to be like this forever, be in the office until night time. It takes me the earliest one hour to get home, driving in my poor Saga 1.3. I got to rush back to Bangi, drive my car with the speed  minimum of 110 km/hour in order to reach home before 10 pm. I just can't take it but I do have to sacrifice as I'm still a full time working mother, serving the government. It's such so painful to see my kids waiting for me. They look so upset every time I got home. Deep in my heart I hope one day God will give me his blessings, so that I can be a full time mother and be the best caregiver for Tajul Iman....
Wednesday, July 6th (Malay version) - Iman pass urine in my car!

Pagi ni Iman mengamuk lagi. Tak tahulah, mungkin sewaktu Bibik bangunkan dia, dia dikasari. Mungkin juga. Pagi memang susah nak suruh dia makan, jadi saya tak nak ambik risiko paksa dia, teruk nanti kereta kami diterajangnya. Sakit hati dia tak hilang lagi sampailah satu ketika kesabaran saya terduga. Dia buang hingusnya kuat-kuat dan sapukannya merata-rata dalam kereta. hati ibu manalah yang tidak pilu, beban dipikul kian berat. Baru aje kemarin dia kencing dalam kereta kami lagi. Now our two cars is like a public toilet to him. Seperti biasalah, ibu ini beristighfar, elakkan diri dari memukulnya kerana ini akan lebih memburukkan keadaan. To all my friends out there. Please give me your support!!

Monday, June 27 th - Try to switch his mood in order to reduce temper tantrums 

Last night Iman got his asthma attack. I can't sleep the whole night. Thus I decided not to go to work today. I don't know how long my boss can take this. Every month he'll have at least 3 days of "no sleep at all" and as a result I got to apply for my medical leave. This morning he threw his temper tantrums again. This time he passed urine in my car. I tried to be patient, tears fell like rain today. My car? How can I get rid of  this smell? He tried to knock his head on my windscreen but I managed to prevent him from doing it. After some time, I got an idea, whenever he got angry and bang his head again and again in my car, I said "Subhanallah walhamdulillah......... Allahuakhbar!" Again and again until he followed me to recite the same thing. It works! He followed me saying it again and again. Thanks God, I have another solution today.

Thursday, June 23rd (Malay version) - He needs my love!

Malam ni airmataku mengalir lagi, bukan kerana Iman masih sukar tidur seperti biasa, namun kesedaran dan keinsafan yang Allah berikan.jam 1.30 pagi ini Iman menarik tanganku dan menyuruh aku memeluknya erat-erat. Aku ikutkan juga, kalau seperti biasanya aku marah-marah, selama ini, entah apa perkataan kesat dan makian ku padanya (maklum org keletihan, sepanjang hari aku di UiTM, Shah Alam, drive pergi dan balik dari Bangi ke Shah Alam, bukannya suatu yang mudah), namun rasa kesyukuran oleh nikmat Tuhan yang dengan tidak kusedari  pada malam ini dengan baik, penuh dgn sentuhan keibuan aku dengan rela hati memeluknya. Alhamdulillah, tak sampai beberapa minit dia tidur dengan rela hati, airmata ku mengalir laju. Kupanjatkan kesyukuran kepadaNya. Ya Allah, sesungguhnya 5 tahun kebelangan ini aku terlalu berdosa kepada anakku ini. Barulah aku sedar bahawa selama ini dia hanya memerlukan keihlasan aku memeluknya, itu sahaja. Adakah itu terlalu payah untukku lakukannya. Ya Allah ampunkan dosaku, Iman, ampunkan Ibu. Ibu menyesal nak, berilah ibu peluang memperbaiki diri.......

Sunday June 19th, - Be patient mum!

It is already 12.15 am. He's still busy playing, jumping here and there. Just now he went to the toilet, I let him do the cleaning himself, but I don't have a heart to see him doing it alone in the toilet. I cleaned him again to make sure it's safe from contamination. Today he came in and out from the toilet quite often, I yeld to him a few times but he laughed at me. Oh God, how can I cope with him???